We Don't Have Sexual Needs

Did you ever hear the one about the guy who died because his sexual needs weren't met?

“Here lies Joe. He passed away suddenly at home after not getting sex for two-and-a-half long years.”

Wait a second. You haven’t? Me neither.

I bet we never will.

Here are some things that people do die of:

• Hypothermia
• Lack of air
• Starvation

This is because shelter, air, and food are needs. We can’t live without them. On the other hand, ‘sexual needs’ is a man-made term, presumably thought up by a husband looking to justify sexual demands towards his wife or by the porn industry looking to hook you in for life.

The concept of having sexual ‘needs’ is not biblical. God will never tell you that you’ve got sexual needs because He’d be contradicting His word by doing so.

Sexual urges? A sex drive? Absolutely. The difference is subtle, but massively important.

Unfortunately, I’ve heard Christians in small groups and on stages use this term. I’m not mad at them. I used to say it in both settings myself.

Believing we have sexual needs makes us victim to God's design. Understanding that we have urges and desires that we don't need to act on makes room for us to live powerful lives in the authority that Jesus gave us.

God gives instructions when it comes to our sexuality in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God...”

It is telling that as God talks about our sanctification, He goes right into highlighting our sex drive. It’s because He knows the power that our sexual urges have and that the best way to steward them is to have a deep intimacy with Him that will spill over into every area of life.

For the single person, believing they have sexual needs puts them in an awkward spot if they want to live a life holy and honourable to the Lord, as the verses above instruct.

‘So, God tells me to wait until marriage to have sex, but He gave me sexual needs when I hit puberty at twelve years old.'

We blame our design and put fault on the Designer.

Hello masturbation, porn, hook-up apps, and a shame-filled life lived less passionately for the Lord.

God’s desire is that the single person would be excited about increasing intimacy with Jesus to control sexual urges in a healthy and godly way. This will lead to a greater likelihood of being sexually loyal if and when the person gets married.

In the meantime, the question is fair to ask:

“I know God is supposed to be my everything, but He can’t satisfy me sexually. What do I do?”

When scripture says that “God is love,” it’s important to understand what that means. There are four types of love referred to in the Bible.

• Agape is unconditional love
• Phileo is the ‘I-love-you-like-a-brother kind of love friends or siblings share
• Storge is an affectionate love between family members
• Eros is a romantic love

God says that He loves us unconditionally, as a best friend, as a Father, and as our bridegroom. He is all four loves - including eros.

His eros love for us looks like Him bringing peace to our soul and bodies when we feel urges. It is Him teaching us that sexual release is about feeling satisfied, connected, and peace more than it is about orgasms - and He wants to be the provider of those things. He’ll get you through the moment if you seek His face every time you feel an urge.

For the married person, the conversation around sexual needs is often even more damaging. A husband approaches his wife thinking, “I’ve got needs,” and either gets satisfied by his wife out of duty (not love) or he doesn’t get what he wants and bitterly seeks out another avenue for sexual release. He subconsciously justifies his behaviour claiming to be a victim to both his body and his wife’s lack of interest.

God’s will for that marriage is that sex would be abundant and powerful with each spouse serving the other! He wants sexual urges to remind the husband to serve his wife throughout the day. She is his only outlet according to God's best design, so it’s in his interest to make sure all of her needs are taken care of so she’d be willing to return the favour. But what if she still doesn’t get the hint once he’s done the dishes and brought home her favourite flowers? Well, he’s spent a day of his life making his wife feeling loved and putting his own desires last.

Holy.

Honourable.

This is what God calls us to. And God will honour us for it.

Some people push back on this discussion about sexual needs based on 1 Corinthians 7. It instructs spouses to give each other their conjugal rights and to come together so that sexual temptation doesn't overtake them.

It's important to recognize that marriages have sexual needs, but individuals do not. Sexless marriages are rarely, if ever, all that God wants them to be. In order for a marriage to be all that it can be, sex should be a priority. A healthy sex life has needs like selflessness, physical health, and emotional connection. However, as individuals, our sexuality can point us to greater intimacy with both Jesus and our spouse, as well as give us a greater understanding of how our hearts work. This rarely happens if we give into urges simply because we believe sexual release is a personal 'need.'

Allowing sexual urges to increase our intimacy with Jesus is both defensive and offensive. It defends us against slipping into addictions to porn and other vices, while propelling us forward to advance the kingdom of God more powerfully than we would otherwise. Intimacy leads to fruit in our lives, both sexual and otherwise.

This is the life God has called you to and He will empower you to get there every step of the way!

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Do you or someone you know need help in overcoming harmful sexual behaviour? You can take action today. 

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1. The Stewarding Sexuality Series will drastically improve the way you see your sexuality and you will feel more powerful than ever. It is for small groups, individuals, marriages, and accountability partners. 
2. Pure Freedom Journey is our premium program, where lives are continually changed and set free from the bondage of sexual sin. Apply here to see when the next openings are.
3. Men at least 18 years old, join Pure Freedom Community for free for daily inspiration and support.
4. See all other support resources here.