The Impact of Porn on Wives (And What To Do About It)

Nobody goes into marriage without the dream that their love will last forever.

Every girl wants to be solely loved, cherished and desired by the love of her life - the one she has given herself to. No woman dreams of having the sexual intimacy she shares with her husband be only one of multiple sexual outlets he pursues. No woman dreams of a man acting out habitually with pornography, let along with another woman.

The whole idea of marital intimacy is to create a close union that is exclusive and mutually enjoyed. It is within that intimacy a woman feels safe, secure, and significant. 

Yet, the reality is, many partner's dreams have been shattered by the discovery of their mate’s sexual integrity issues. And their vow, spoken or unspoken, “to love and to cherish till death do us part,” turns into a shrapnel of shattered dreams, surrounded by a typhoon of hopelessness and despair. 

There is a collection of physical, emotional, mental & spiritual symptoms that are so common to victims following the discovery of this betrayal, that it’s been coined Post Betrayal Trauma Syndrome (PBTS).

These are some of the symptoms associated with PBTS:

• Extreme sadness
• Grief
• Anger
• Mistrust
• Stress
• Anxiety
• Sleep deprivation
• Physical exhaustion
• Weight gain
• Mood swings
• Health issues

If not recognized and worked through, these triggers can follow a betrayed woman around for years, decades, or a lifetime.

This blog is dedicated to all the brave and resilient women who have had their hopes and dreams of “love ever after” shattered by a betrayal of their trust, but who refuse to stay stuck in their pain and brokenness.

I assure you there is hope after betrayal to become a stronger, healthier, unshakable and even more beautiful YOU - and there is hope for your relationship to be strengthened and rebuilt if both you and your spouse are willing to do the hard work! 

Betrayal is different from any other kind of crisis because it is so personal. It’s as if the one you love, thought you intimately knew, felt safe with, and implicitly trusted - just took a mask off to reveal a person you don’t even recognize. All you see through your lens of shock and pain are the lies, the deception, and the questions about the man you thought you knew.

You feel rejected.

Alone.

Abandoned.

Confused.

You don’t know what is real anymore or what you can believe.

Know this: this is normal. You are not alone if you’re feeling or have felt these things.

One of the first things that happens after discovering that your husband has sexually betrayed you is to try to make sense of the betrayal.

You ask, “Why, if he loves me, would he want to hurt me so badly? Why would he look for another when we’ve built a life together? Why would he search for sexual intimacy with another, when we have shared the most tender moments together?”

If there’s children in the relationship, this adds to the confusion. “Why would he want to betray his children and risk losing his children, for a selfish encounter?”

Another initial response is to turn your examination inward. “Am I not good enough for him? What could I have done differently?”

Self-esteem takes a dive and it’s common to degrade your innate inadequacies.

In your mourning, you might suffer from the ‘if only’ syndrome. “If only I had been more compliant, willing, patient, tolerant, or lovely…”

It is almost always true that a betrayed spouse will initially assure themselves that they are not good enough. That somehow they are the cause of the infidelity or that they are to blame for the deceit and betrayal. And with that comes shame, hiding and utter loneliness.

While it is true, every person has room for personal and interpersonal improvement, to bear the blame for your spouse’s integrity issues is a complete fallacy.

You are NOT to blame when someone lies, cheats, hides, deceives, or breaks their covenant. 

While betrayal was done to you, it is NEVER because of you. It’s ALWAYS about them and about the work they need to do to be healthy, authentic, and transparent. To be real and live with integrity. It’s about them growing to transform their beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviours. It’s about them learning to transform from the inside out.

However, the reality is that if you are to heal, you have to go through your own transformational journey. Unfortunately, time does not heal betrayal wounds.

Betrayal trauma can destroy you and your relationships - or it can be an invitation for you to allow God to take you through your own personal healing, growth and transformation.

It’s about choice.

Your choice.

You can choose to stay stuck, unhealthy, untrusting and broken for years, decades, or a lifetime. However, you don’t have to!

As painful as it is, to get healthy, you’ll need to look at your Betrayal Trauma as an opportunity to step into a version of yourself and your relationships that otherwise would never have shown up. You can choose to build a stronger, healthier, more vibrant YOU, with better skills and tools. You can choose to step into your God-given destiny and live the abundant life Jesus promised you (John 10:10). You can choose to heal, rebuild and transform yourself, your relationships, and your life!

The only way to get past the betrayal trauma is to work through your pain and build anew.

It is a journey that you are not meant to go on alone. God made us to experience healing and wholeness through relationship with Him and with others. Neglecting one of these two components (God or others) will limit you in your healing journey.

If you are experiencing Post Betrayal Trauma, my question for you is, “Are you willing to embark on the transformational journey? Are you willing to step into your God-given destiny? To heal, grow, strengthen and rebuild?

You can become the whole, beautiful and unshakeable woman you were created to be with other women who have walked where you have walked - but who have learned to turn their greatest crisis into their greatest gift.

- Written by Bonnie Ragan, Director of UltimateU

Next Steps for Women

We encourage you join the upcoming Betrayal Trauma Hope Restored community of women to get started on your path to hope, healing and transformation!

JOIN HERE

_________________

Do you or someone you know need help in overcoming harmful sexual behaviour? You can take action today. 

Get Help

1. The Stewarding Sexuality Series will drastically improve the way you see your sexuality and you will feel more powerful than ever. It is for small groups, individuals, marriages, and accountability partners. 
2. Pure Freedom Journey is our premium program, where lives are continually changed and set free from the bondage of sexual sin. Apply here to see when the next openings are.
3. Men at least 18 years old, join Pure Freedom Community for free for daily inspiration and support.
4. See all other support resources here.